The daily nightmares of writing and living

(Also be sure to follow along with TinaJeanKrista, and Tambo as they say much more sane and less esoteric things than me!)

This family needs a flowchart.

So why am I sharing a picture with faces? Because it is totally and completely ludicrous.

I know, it doesn’t look funny, but let me put it in perspective.

  • There are 27 people in that photo.
  • Of that 27, 18 are blood related, the rest are by marriage.
  • All 18 are blood related as children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, or great-great-grandchildren  to the women in red.
  • 10 are children, grandchildren, or great-grandchildren to the woman in blue right next to her.
  • Only 2 are direct children of the woman in blue–3 are represented here if you include the grandchildren given to her by one of her children that has passed away.
  • The woman in blue has 9 kids total.

Mull on that a moment. For most people, this picture would represent their entire family, plus friends. For my family, it is only a fraction of a percentage. Aside from my aunt’s nine kids, my grandmother had three, neither of which started popping out offspring as…generously as my aunt, but both of which also have children, grandchildren, and possibly great-grandchildren as well. What you see here is actually a conservative family gathering.

Why don’t I know for sure? Because, in order to keep up with this family you need a programmable flow chart.

I figure, at the rate we’re going, one out of every ten people will be blood related to my family by the year 2130.

Also, this casual poolside picture? Guess what time of year it was taken.

The smart ones caught the one hint in the photo and have already guessed it.

Christmas.

(Also be sure to follow along with TinaJeanKrista, and Tambo as they say much more sane and less esoteric things than me!)

Today is a letter to someone who’s recently hurt me. Easy-peasy, since I happen to have been recently wounded, and wounded pretty terribly. There is nothing worse than finding out a friendship is false.

Dear Girl-I-Shall-Not-Name,

I’m past being angry, mostly. I’m past being hurt, mostly. Now I’m just feeling foolish, betrayed, and used. I kick myself daily for losing two extraordinary friends over someone like you. Sure, they were far from perfect, but gods know I’m not either. I could have simply, quietly asked them not to make fun of people I loved to my face and told them that wasn’t cool. Instead I pushed, and pushed, and finally exploded.

And lost them.

And you, you gained them. You guys are bestest buds now. For over a year, one of them said the absolute worst things about you every chance he got, while the other very quietly stepped aside and let him do it, never even quietly asking him to pick a more appropriate crowd to vent his feelings to, or at least tone it down a notch; permission seemingly given and agreement made simply by never saying no. Neither ever spoke up for you in any way, not even to just keep things cordial when in mixed company. In fact, they had no use for you at all.

I spoke for you, time and again. I supported you from the first day I met you. I often spoke up for you when people mocked you, in spite of the trouble it caused me. I stepped forward when others stepped away. I bragged about the comics you created to new people who had never seen your work and pointed them towards your creations. I talked out problems with you when others were afraid to speak up. I was the one who finally told you why the bad blood existed between you and your tormentors (yes they were my friends, but let’s face it, they were definitely your tormentors)–everyone knew, but I was the only one who had the crassness to step forward. I did it to try to and start the process of mending fences; after all, you can’t correct what you don’t know about.

And why did I do all this?

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(Also be sure to follow along with TinaJeanKrista, and Tambo as they say much more sane and less esoteric things than me!)

I can’t recall my first exposure to blogging. It was back when the net was new; back when LiveJournal was just starting out and hadn’t been sold to companies who decided liberally sprinkling the pages with ads was somehow a good idea. I had wanted to keep a diary for a long time, but frankly, I suck at diaries. I’m one of those people that purchases them, keeps a day or two, then relegates them to the back of the bookshelf so I don’t have to feel guilty every time I run across the empty pages. I thought maybe having people looking in on my work would help my determination to keep up with it, so I made my first journal.

Like all journals of young people, there was much emotion and angst, to the point I don’t know how I ever got followers. But I managed with well over 100, which was a pretty respectable following in the early days of the net. It helped my memory, my emotional equilibrium, and my life in general. But at some point I befriended one too many of my flakier followers. I screamed one too many times where a boyfriend or girlfriend could see it. And the drama bomb exploded once too often in my lap.

So I abandoned it.

About the point I felt I could take it back up again, LJ had added advertisements, and it just didn’t feel like the same place anymore. I already paid for my account, I did my part to support LJ for years, and saw no reason why I should be punished when times were lean. Especially when I knew (as everyone there did) that they weren’t exactly hurting for money. I’d be there right now, but what’s the point? I thought I’d give WordPress a try instead.

I’ve since thought of taking it up again, as practice to getting back into daily writing. So far the “daily” part is an uphill battle, but at least the “writing” is happening. I am woefully behind, but I haven’t given up.

(Also be sure to follow along with TinaJeanKrista, and Tambo as they say much more sane and less esoteric things than me!)

These posts really assume I’m an interesting person, don’t they?

Today is another picture of me with my friends, because, you know, I have permission to splash their faces all over the net. Not.

All right, here’s one of my subversive pictures with a small and very prosaic story attached.

No, really, it was easy....

It was a new year party/birthday party of a friend, and we all got together, got a little smashed, and enjoyed such party essentials as “is the bathroom ever free,” “long talks about nothing at all,” “drinking games,” “ease the munchies,” and Rock Band. These days, no party is complete without Rock Band.

I don’t really play guitar, and i find the game guitar fun, but not really my thing. I loved the drums–for about five seconds. The drum set was somehow not coordinated with the game right; you’d hit the drum, then about two seconds later the game would register the hit. The lag in anything else  would be barely noticeable, but in Rock Band precision timing is critical. It frustrated so many people that the entire drum set eventually got stowed.

This left guitar, bass guitar, and microphone. A lifelong attendance of choral classes had me gravitating towards, you guessed it, the microphone.

I spent a lot of the night singing, actually, with varying results. The 100% up there, however, was the apparent amazement of those around me when I belted out a perfect score on a song I’d never even heard before. Keep in mind, it was on Easy, and Easy is really, really forgiving. I tried higher levels with songs I did know and bombed badly.

But it made the message board anyway. Other well wishes and smart-ass remarks were erased so my accomplishment could be posted, and it stayed there the rest of the night.

I still say it was only because it was on Easy.

How is this a pic of me with friends? Well, every message there is from a party-goer. One was written by my roomie, one by her sister, and the rest from people I know. Except the well hung bird. I have no idea who drew that (or if it was originally intended to have a ding dong), but you must admit, it’s an amusing little doodle. The bird seems genuinely surprised by his dong.

(Also be sure to follow along with Tina, Jean, Krista, and Tambo as they say much more sane and less esoteric things than me!)

Also note: If SOPA and PIPA pass, I could go to jail for this post, for daring to embed my favorite songs into a post and giving these musicians free advertising. This post could also be used to shut down WordPress and YouTube…permanently. Please click the link in the upper right hand corner of this blog and protest these bills–or any future bills like them, being passed.

Today’s challenge? Songs I listen to when I’m happy, sad, bored, hyper, and mad. Translation? An excuse to link spam! SQUEE!!!

The problem is, this is going to be difficult, since I have no one particular song for any of these emotions. Not to mention, these are very rigidly defined. For instance, the song I would listen to if I were mad at some jerk for cutting me off and making me miss my exit would be different than the song I listened to if I were fuming over an ex. And for either of those situations, I have probably fifty songs in my arsenal.

I am a music-o-holic, always have been. Even as a child, the radio was on in our house (back when radio was still good) more often than the tv. I took to cassette tapes like a duck to water, and I probably owned a million of them. My musical tastes in rock run from practically the birth of rock all the way up to the present day, and I love songs that you’ve probably never heard of. I also dip into industrial, jazz, blues, folk, symphonic metal, experimental, pagan, comedy, some older country, a very little rap, and gods only know what else. And if you have explored every one of those links, congratulations, you are as music crazy as I am. And probably up as late.

Choosing just one per mood is not easy; it’s tantamount to simply pulling a title out of my ass and calling it Gospel. It irks me. But on the flip side, if I went off on a music-y tangent, we’d be here all year.

What to do…what to do….

Edit: Eh, screw this. I was laying down a pretty good post, when WordPress screwed up enough of the formatting that I had a choice to laboriously redo it, or go back and just do the original question.

Hellooooo, original question! Let’s get this done in five minutes, shall we? I’ll probably still be giving it my own take, it’s just a different take from the one I was using before.

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(Also be sure to follow along with TinaJeanKrista, and Tambo as they say much more sane and less esoteric things than me!)

Hunh. I had quite the roll on these posts going until I got smacked by this question. Something I’m proud of in the past few days? Only one thing comes to mind, and it seems silly.

So, after a job interview, I was stranded out by a shopping mall. I needed conditioner and a couple other things, so I moseyed on in. Bad, bad move. The woman with no disposable income should not be in a place with Christmas sales.

This is not the story of how I resisted, but why I gave in.

See, my roommate loves pajamas. She especially loves warm ones, with batshit crazy prints on them. Some notables are elephants in roller skates and…others. Yes, I need to steal a peek at her pants drawer to remind myself.

I have to admit, I don’t look all that closely at them anymore since seeing them for the thousandth time, so they’ve been relegated to a sort of cloth “background noise.” If you don’t get how that can happen, think of your best friend, then try to describe ten shirts they own in more detail than “…and there’s a blue one, and a green one…” If you can do it, I crown thee “Ruler of the Non-Shoddy Memory.”

But I digress.

Anyway, I found these deliciously adorable minty green kitty print pj’s that were so much her style they were practically screaming her name. And it was a sale, 80% off, which made the expense oodles easier to justify.

Plus, while I had managed a Christmas present, it was small and had never meant to be the present, just a part of a larger one. Then my job bit the dust, and suddenly I was spending less than a dollar on every member of my family (god bless flea markets). I have had better Christmases.

Yes, I picked them up–against all good sense–as well as two ornaments I thought she’d appreciate, and quietly laid them on her bed. Then I left it alone.

The laugh I heard from the bedroom when she finally discovered them was all the reward I needed, and she’s been wearing them for three nights now. I somehow picked a winner.

That is the only thing I can think of that I am proud of. Sure, I’ve sent out dozens of job applications, looked into apprenticeships, am looking at schools (again), am catching up my blog, and have done all my chores like a good little girl. However, those are responsibilities, expected. The sheer delight i gave her, it took so little and meant so much to both of us.

And that’s it.

Hmmm…maybe I should have prefaced this with “boring shit ahead.” I could have come up with something much less obscure had the time frame been longer.

(Also be sure to follow along with TinaJeanKrista, and Tambo as they say much more sane and less esoteric things than me!)

Today I need to post short term goals for the month. Aside from my determination to catch up and ultimately complete this challenge, I have none. I have many long term goals, such as “find a job,” “move to Australia,” “meet my boyfriend,” “save some money,” and “have a(nother) kid.” Long term goals I have out the wazoo.

Even the reason for doing this blog–”write more, and better”–is a long term goal.

Perhaps I should make one. How about “meditate daily?”

I always felt my best, my most balanced when I meditated at least once a day, and I did it for a long time. But then…I got busy. I got depressed. I became disillusioned. Time, and life, started slipping away from me, and I was too sad and too despondent to get it back. So I slid into the realm writers and would-be writers know so well, the “I’ll do it when I don’t have 20 more important things on my plate.”

Which, of course, is code for “never, but thinking I will makes me feel better about it.”

Today is the 14th–the 15th, technically, but I haven’t slept yet. My personal reality holds that the day doesn’t end until I go comatose. I am backdating posts, catching up from my flight and subsequent post-flight rush to take care of everything else I’d neglected.

I can’t meditate tonight, if I do, I’ll fall asleep. No, seriously, I’m exhausted, only the desire to write between 3-5 blog posts so I can catch up is keeping my fingers to the keyboard. It’s good practice for getting back into the habit of using stubbor determination when inspiration is low. But honestly, all tendencies to procrastinate aside, I have had one of two results happen when I meditate tired. The first is I fall asleep, nulling any good it might have done. The second is I jazz up, causing a sleepless night and possibly a sleepy next day.

I get little enough sleep as it is, thanks.

So, tomorrow. If you don’t see some sort of note dropped on the 15th, someone yell at me, please. I offer myself up to the shame game.

Thanks.

I’ll try to drop at least one note about it each day until the end of the month, and I’ll try to do so in a way that bores no one. Because, dude, who really wants to hear about me climbing through the guts of a giant snake until I exit the mouth to find myself on a field of clouds facing a man who will fly me off to strange and odd places, amIright? Boring!

(Also be sure to follow along with TinaJeanKrista, and Tambo as they say much more sane and less esoteric things than me!)

*sigh* Seriously? Because, you guys can’t handle the truth. Promise. But here it is in all it’s squicky glory anyway.

Yeah, I went there.

The single biggest impact on my life is what you see right here.

Yes, I have tons of positive impacts. Every friend individually changed my life in amazing and healing ways. I had some teachers reach out to catch me when I fell. I had strangers help me in time of need. I have new people that, even today, are shaping my life for the better. I count them as my blessings and my guardian angels, and I know where I’d be without any one of them. There are not words for how grateful I am. But every one of them was only part of my path to recovery.

It takes a village to heal.

To destroy, it only takes one man.

Maybe it’s because he got to me first, I don’t know. But I do know that I have struggled endlessly to overcome, to undo what he did; I struggle even now, twenty six years after the day my mother finally left him. Every healing hand has had to find and soothe the wounds left in me, every friendly smile has had to fight with my withered self esteem and lack of confidence, every tolerant soul has had to deal with my shoddy memory, temperamental nature, and uncertain time sense.

I am a walking, talking PTSD poster, and I have accepted long ago that I will never be “normal.” I am a broken leg that healed wrong, a curved spine, a hand with missing fingers. Some things, once done, can never be completely erased, and that’s where I am now; where I will always be.

Unfortunately for me, this really fits. If I had to think of one thing, one single thing that has touched every aspect of my life, changed the course of my future, and altered every day I have lived on this earth, this is that one thing. I am strong, I am no one’s victim, and I have overcome so much, but it remains that I can never get back, never heal or earn, beg, borrow, or steal those things he stole from me. In some very fundamental ways, I will never get better. Despite my best efforts, his shadow is over my life still.

Fuck you, fuck you very much.

Maybe another blog post I’ll go into detail, but I’m pretty up after the superhero post, and I don’t want to come down. Not tonight.

 

(Also be sure to follow along with TinaJeanKrista, and Tambo as they say much more sane and less esoteric things than me!)

All right, today I suppose I should be a little less obscure. Because I could be, you know. I have some severely weird superhero picks. ;)

However, I feel my mainstream choices are a little too mainstream as . Not because mainstream is bad, mind you, but because they are 1) all men, and 2) well known to the point that if you have to ask why I like them, you weren’t paying attention.

I’ll give them a quick cover anyway. Very quick.

That's one way to undress the ladies.

Spiderman. The chuck-out-of-luck Peter Parker,  the only superhero who visibly struggles trying to balance putting food on the table, romancing his girl, and saving the world. One of the few (aside from X-Men, who overblow the concept to ridiculousness) who receives flak for just trying to do what’s right, and suffers persecution for it. In many ways Spiderman (at least as he was first conceived) is the Everyman, Joe Schmoe hit with something bigger than himself, and proving to himself and the world that absolute power does not have to corrupt absolutely…it all depends on where your priorities lie.

Why this picture? Dude, cheesecake is cool.

Admit it, we live for these stolen moments.

Wolverine. Brash, brooding, all male stereotype, and yet his sensitive side runs deep. He’s an interesting one in modern comics in that the sensitive, thoughtful, smart part of him doesn’t often get downplayed. In fact, it gets embraced. However, they are careful not to call it “sensitivity,” oh no, it’s him ‘struggling with his inner demons,’ or ‘being haunted by ghosts of the past,’ or other male code for “not a psycho killing machine with no emotions.”

Wolverine is all strength. He feels love deeply and takes the loss of it hard every time. He is strong enough to place his blades to a friend’s throat and offer to assist in their suicide when under extremes, and strong enough to go through with it and live with the consequences should it become necessary. He is a bad-ass, no doubt, and can tear through bad guys like a chainsaw through a paper mache tree. But his true strength lies in what he can take, not physically (though that’s damn impressive), but emotionally. His healing powers will never heal those scars, and with veritable immortality at his fingertips, he has to live with them forever. And he does, quietly, and without complaint. He is strength personified, and he blows me away.

Brooding can only be done properly on a gargoyle.

Batman. His most formidable weapon is his mind, something modern writers tend to forget in the morass of cool gadgetry they give him, but that even now shines through. He appeared in Detective Comics because that is what he was. Is. A costumed detective with a chip on his shoulder and a sense of justice so superdeveloped he makes Lady Justice blush and swoon. He plays with the big boys, keeping up with superpowers, geniuses, and people so evil their very continued existence breaks the Geneva Convention, and does so with nothing more than brains and a lot of cool gadgets. Speaking of sensitive, here is a man who went so severely PTSD about seeing his parents killed before his eyes that he either flipped his lid, or went very, very sane. He could easily have walked away, drowned his sorrows in Margaritas and a nice beach, his only nod to his tragic past hefty donations to the local police force. Instead, he dedicated his life to protection of the weak, putting his money, all his formidable resources, and his very body on the line for perfect strangers.

Why? Because it’s right.

Three very, very impressive men. But, nonetheless, mainstream and male, and I have no doubts what I see, others see as well.

If you want to know the comics that moved me as a child, set many of my values, and carried me into adulthood, look no further than Elfquest:

Soul meets soul when eye meets eye.

There are not words for my fandom when it comes to this series. My life would be a poorer, more barren place without it, as would be my mind and heart.

Before some deluded commenter (yes you, the one hiding behind my other two lonely readers) says something about “Ew, elves,” and proceeds to rant about their effeminate, cultured ways, how overdone the entire concept has become, or talks about how they’re just a masturbation fantasy for girls…let me tell you, everything you learned about elves is wrong.

They never lived here, they lived on a world with two moons. Beings of energy more than physical form, they took the form of myths from a world they were vising, but something went wrong with their ship, and they crash-landed there instead, stuck in frail bodies. However, they emerged to find themselves in a time too early, faced not with a cultured mankind, but primitive man…and primitive man did not like what he saw. He drove them away from their ship, into hiding, and those he did not kill the harsh rigors of survival took, until only a few remained.

In desperation, one of their kind–the only one still capable of shifting her shape–turned herself into a wolf, determined to learn all she could of survival from the hardy beasts and bring that knowledge back to her people. But she sank into wolf form too far, and forgot them until she she became pregnant, giving birth to a halfling that was as much wold as elf. It was ultimately he, not she, who taught the remaining elves what they needed to know, bringing them strength, ferocity, and a connection to the world they were now exiles upon.

And that’s just for starters. The rabbit hole goes far deeper from there.

It’s a series that astounds. Love without ownership, a fierce interdependence of individuals all working towards a greater whole, the closeness of family, a code of ethics that is sometimes rigid but often must be determined on the fly, mistakes made and forgiven–sometimes bad ones, sacrifice, courage, responsibility, and pure blissful joy…the wisdom carried by these little four fingered dwellers just amazes.

They count as having superpowers, some can shape plants, some fly, some shape flesh, some heal, some speak to animals, and some do nothing at all. But their greatest superpower seems to be in their absolute acceptance of self. They are as flawed as any creature, ill tempers, bad judgments, and foolish actions abound. But their strength as a whole lies in the acceptance that one is no greater than the other, and that mistakes are simply a part of life. They are happy within their own skins, which makes them content to celebrate the happiness of others.

And because no one is considered “lesser” than another, no one is waste. Every elf brings something to the table. Skywise has no magic, and he seems no greater a fighter, hunter, or provider than any other Wolfrider, and in many cases is less so. But he brings knowledge, questions, a desire to reach beyond that seems to have been part of the influence that made Cutter the extraordinary chief he became. Redlance waits a long time before his powers finally blossom, and he, like Skywise, has no great skills. But he is valued for his gentle, almost healing nature. Treestump is a special delight for anyone from a youth-centric world. His outstanding contribution is…age. The Wolfriders respect him for all he has survived, and they acknowledge his wisdom, though he is hardly the stereotypical “wise elder.” Instead, he is more like the tribes equilibrium, a sort of father figure, and a calm rock to rely on, even in the face of danger.

And so it goes. Everyone has value because everyone’s value is recognized, and not just recognized, but sought after. The assumption is that if someone isn’t bringing anything of value, it’s because whatever makes them valuable simply hasn’t been found yet. And through all the adventures, through all the epic battles, through all the magic and mayhem that constantly seems to surround them, this concept is what stuck with me the most. It’s an ideal way of relating with one another that humans barely know how to dream for, much less strive for, given an achingly tangible form.

I truly believe that the idealized society in this story outlines what the human spirit could be, if only we loosed our self imposed shackles and set ourselves free. And, I suppose, more than the elves themselves, Wendy and Richard Pini are superheroes in my eyes, for opening my mind to a world, a culture, an ideal I barley knew existed, and giving me the ache to grasp it.

High Ones’ blessings on you, my friends.

Hiatus One

Updates to my 30 days may not resume until the 7th or 8th, at which point I will write and backdate all owed entries. I leave at 4:30 am to hop on a plane, and I fully expect to be jet lagged and strung out upon landing. While being on a plane may seem like a great time to write, I have 9 hours of flight time and only one hour of battery life. So you’ll have to take my word, writing blog posts isn’t about to happen.

Sorry kids.

In the meantime, watch one of my favorite videos:

For that matter, watch two:

See ya in a couple days.